Jul 26, 2019 in 06:01 PM |
Posted By Nick N.
If you haven't heard about the raid on Area 51, boy do we have news for you. For us here at Logotech, it's Christmas in July. The collective internet is on fire and all we have is gasoline.
Find out what Logotech, 3.1 million Kyles, Karens, Florida men, and Furries have in common below.
We here at Logotech stand with the brave Kyles and Karens who are responding to the call to action felt across the internet.
On June 27th, a California man named Matty Roberts created a satirical Facebook post titled, "Storm Area 51, They Can't Stop All Of Us". With an invasion date of September 20, 2019, the description of the event reads, "We will all meet up at the Area 51 Alien Center tourist attraction and coordinate our entry. If we Naruto run, we can move faster than their bullets. Let's see them, aliens."
As of August 2nd, the event has over 3.1 million interested or marked as going. Not uncommon with any Facebook event, nobody knows just how many people will show up.
Locals, however, are concerned with the lack of infrastructure as the closest town to area 51--Rachel, Nevada--has a population of 54 residents. If even a small fraction of the Facebook horde shows up, there's sure to be chaos.
Let's get into the meat of why people are going. They want to "see them aliens". What better way to document and curate this historical event than with Logotech's new Area 51 line of custom USB drives? Commemorate this momentous day with your very own set of Area 51 captives, one featuring a hat with the slogan M.A.G.A. (Make Aliens Great Again) and Mr. Roswell in a soccer uniform playing for team 51, their ship, and the Airforce AKK (Anti-Kyle-Karen) response unit. All available with 16GB of storage to store all the alien pictures you can capture while Naruto running. Blurry? Well, what extraterrestrial pictures aren't a little blurry?
This kit comes complete with five USB flash drives, each with 16GB capacity. Why would you need five extraterrestrial themed flash drives? Well, when the FBI/Air Force underestimates our strength and Shikamaru's strategy, and we break through their lines, then they will come after any information posted online. This soft copy backup is essential. Even if the MIB shows up, and they use their Neuralyzers, they can't find every flash drive. And, if you are downloading classified files on alien technology, why not put them on our flying saucer USB?
Come September 20th, the internet will have to unify to become one allied force; we must get the Kyles inside the base before their supply of drywall becomes depleted!
I think the best solution is to send in the Karens first, have them demand to talk to the guards' superiors, and make a scene.
Next, we send in the anti-vax kids to set off the mines and expose machine gun targets and their helicopter parents can airdrop pallets of Monster for the Kyles.
The next wave will be vape trick kids riding in the back of pickups in order to create a vape smokescreen for the Naruto runners.
The Naruto runners will move in a pincer formation; their job is to give the Kyles an opening, who will be doing what they do best: a head-on assault.
We will then make squads of three Florida men and assign them one furry per squad. The furries are suited for gathering evidence once past the front lines. Their costumes prevent video identification, and when equipped with a body camera and armed with one of our Area 51 flash drives, will play a major role in documenting the assault.
Next comes the horde--they can't stop us all, after all!
Lastly, is the Web-MD (Medical Division), reviving our down and injured with gamer girl bathwater.
With Logotech's ability to preload flash drives, each commander can disseminate battle information without posting to the web for our FBI big brothers to see.
Let Logotech be a part of your area 51 plans.
***Our legal team is making me write this disclaimer--something about this being satire and telling people not to actually show up to area 51 blah blah blah... Please do not show up on September 20th and meet at the Area 51 Alien Center tourist attraction. Whatever you do, don't organize yourselves into Kyles and Karens. And for the love of our Lord and savior Joe Rogan, ration water; it is the desert, ya know! Another thing, let's make Mr. Irwin proud by not seriously impacting the desert ecosystem; he's always watching...like an Aussie Santa. Oh, I almost forgot, buy some damn flash drives! Check out Logotech.com--we can do some pretty sweet stuff...like seriously anything. We made an Area 51 set for Joe's sake! Oh, Joe? Yeah, he's a good friend of mine. Kanye is coming on the podcast in two weeks. We are all going on a deep-sea fishing trip next June. Anyway, why hasn't anyone ever Naruto run in the Olympics? Like, what is this? The not running as fast as possible, but still trying-100m dash? And how has the US military not figured this out? I mean, are there top secret kunai knives or something? I feel like our defense budget would be a lot more reasonable if we adopted the Shinobi approach. Ok, if you're still reading then there's no way you are a government agent...or my boss. If you are planning on going to the event, be sure to bring enough equipment: food for at least 2 days , 2MRE's, a gallon of water per day you plan on attending, matches, power bank for your phone (Hey, we custom make these too!), digital camera that's not your phone (I don't trust anything hooked up to the internet for the sweet pics you're about to take), car camping supplies--JSYK the desert gets cold at night so plan accordingly. Lastly, if you are planning on answering the call of the internet, have fun, don't get hurt, and jail is a real thing. I'll be cheering you on from behind my screen. To the REAL internet warriors, I salute you! On a serious note though - we need to sell at least 20 of these set for it to make sense $$ wise. If we don't see the full 20 sets, anyone that actually bought the set will be FULLY REFUNDED